Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Suck Scale

At one time or another, you have probably uttered a variation of the phrase, “That sucks!” And like I have, you've finally come to the conclusion that everything sucks, to some degree. For this, The Suck Scale is born. It goes from 1 to 100, and as you can't have more than 100% of anything, will never go any higher. Of course, you can peg the meter.

Or, to put it simply, something that sucks massively rates a 100, while the least amount of suck rates a 1. However, and I find this quite unlikely, something may indeed, not suck, as in, “That doesn't even rate a 1 on the suck scale!”

The Suck Scale is purely subjective, and is of course subject to interpretation by those viewing whatever it is that sucks. You may think that Obama getting elected rates a 100, others may find it to be a 1, while most of us fall somewhere in between, unless of course, for you it doesn't suck, in which case another scale is needed, as we have previously defined it, everything sucks to some degree, and therefore, deserves a rating of some amount of suck.

You may not realize that something in your life sucks, in which case, someone needs to inform you that it does. Someone could walk up to you on the street and say, “That rates a 73,” and you wouldn't know what that means. A search on the term 73 wouldn't come up with anything, once you arrived home, and you'd be forever in the dark. Therefore, awareness of The Suck Scale is key.

You might ask yourself, “Self, why does everything suck?” At which point, you may try to answer the question, or, more likely, figure out how much overall suckage exists. Clearly, most movies suck. Don't take my word for it, stand in the lobby of any major movie theatre after the movie ends, and listen to the comments of most people coming out. I could give examples, but most of them simply boil down to, “That movie sucked!” If you'd like to figure out how much, simply assign a percentage of the overall comments that are similar, and that will be your score. Remember, lower scores are better, and LA Story doesn't even rate a one on the suck scale.

Restaurants, to some degree, will of course also, suck to some degree. Just ask any notable food critic. They can always find something wrong with the soup, or their steak gets undercooked, “I ordered it medium, not medium rare!!!” This fact alone will probably garner you a suck rating at that particular restaurant in the high 60's.

Traffic during rush hour rates a 100, no question. Unless of course you like sitting in your car for hours at a time going nowhere quickly. Frankly, if I'm going to sit in my car for hours, I usually pick a secluded spot, and a beautiful woman to share the time with, which again, doesn't rate anything near The Suck Scale.

You've probably heard the phrase, “Work sucks, but I need the bucks...” uttered at your place of employment, if you haven't seen it on a bumper sticker in the above mentioned rush hour traffic. If you enjoy your work, this probably rates in the low 20's, however, I'm guessing for most, it's in the high 80's. Now, finding a career that gives you fulfillment as well as enjoyment, doesn't touch The Suck Scale at all.

These are just a few examples of things that may suck in your life, for which I have now provided you an appropriate way to measure them. Of course, this is your life, and not mine, as the ability to make a beautiful woman smile via a simple message on the 'net, definitely does not suck....

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